Why I’m Such a GROUCH

Oscar the Grouch finally opens up, his usual gruffness masking a deep sorrow. Sitting in his trash can, he sighs, then mutters, “You wanna know why I’m such a grouch? Why I hate everything? Fine. I’ll tell ya.”

His voice turns somber. “I had brothers, you know. Good guys. They didn’t live in trash cans. They had homes, dreams, plans. Then came Vietnam. The draft took ‘em, one by one. Tommy, Jimmy, Big Al. They left Sesame Street believing in something bigger than themselves. Only one came back, and he wasn’t the same.”

Oscar stares off, lost in memories. “Tommy used to whistle all the time. Could play any tune. Jimmy—he could fix anything. And Big Al, he had the biggest heart of us all. We were kids, playing stickball, laughing. Then the war turned ‘em into names on a black wall in D.C.”

He clenches his fists. “They fought for a country that forgot ‘em. People moved on. But I didn’t. I can’t. The world kept spinning like they never mattered, like their lives were just footnotes. So yeah, I live in the trash. Yeah, I push people away. But maybe I don’t wanna forget. Maybe being a grouch is my way of remembering.”

For a moment, Oscar is quiet. Then, with a grunt, he shakes it off. “Eh, enough of this sappy junk. Get outta here before I start getting all sentimental!” He retreats into his can, but for the first time, the lid doesn’t slam shut right away.

Oscar the Grouch Rental

“Hey, you! Yeah, you with the clean shoes and fancy dreams. You look like someone who needs a little more trash in their life. Lucky for you, I, Oscar the Grouch, am available for RENT at Laugh Rentals! Yeah, you heard me—rent me, a real, genuine, garbage-loving, cranky old puppet!

Why would you want to rent me? Pfft. Who wouldn’t? Need someone to insult your friends at a party? Boom. Need an anti-motivational speaker for your workplace? Done. Want your kid’s birthday to be full of life lessons about low expectations? I gotcha covered.

And the best part? No refunds! Once you take me, I’m your problem! But trust me, I make any event trashy in the best possible way. So, what are you waiting for? Grab your wallet—just don’t expect me to say ‘thank you.’”

Laugh Rentals – Because Every Party Needs a Little Garbage!

My Cell Phone Number

Oscar the Grouch and the Smartphone Catastrophe

One day, deep in his smelly, junk-filled trash can, Oscar the Grouch received an unexpected gift from Elmo. It was a brand-new, state-of-the-art smartphone.

“Here, Oscar! Now you can stay connected with all your friends!” Elmo said with a giggle.

“Bah! I don’t want any friends, and I definitely don’t want to be connected!” Oscar grumbled, but he took the phone anyway. He figured it would make a great paperweight for his old newspapers.

However, curiosity got the best of him, and he started poking at the screen. “Ugh! It’s too shiny! Too clean! Too… happy!” he groaned. But then, something caught his eye.

“Wait a second… I can order garbage directly to my trash can?” He gasped as he discovered a junkyard auction app.

Within minutes, he had bid on an old, rusty shopping cart, a collection of mismatched socks, and a half-eaten sandwich from 1997.

Then, a notification popped up: “You’ve just subscribed to ‘Happy Puppets Daily’ for $9.99/month!”

“WHAT?!” Oscar shouted. “I didn’t sign up for this! How do I cancel?! Where’s the ‘Make It Miserable’ button?!”

He started jabbing the screen furiously, only to accidentally activate Siri.

“Hello, Oscar! How can I make your day wonderful?” the phone chirped.

YOU CAN’T!” Oscar roared.

“Searching for ‘you can’t’… Here are some motivational quotes to brighten your day!” Siri responded.

Oscar screamed in frustration. He tried to throw the phone away, but it bounced back, thanks to his trash can’s oddly strong Wi-Fi signal.

Just then, Big Bird walked by. “Oh, Oscar! Are you enjoying your new phone?”

Oscar scowled. “No! This thing is a nightmare! It keeps trying to cheer me up!”

Big Bird smiled. “Maybe you just need to personalize it. Here, let me help!” He tapped on the settings. “There! Now your ringtone is the sound of a garbage truck, your background is a picture of a moldy banana peel, and I turned off all the happy notifications!”

Oscar stared at the screen, now displaying a beautifully disgusting photo of an overflowing dumpster.

“Hey… that’s actually pretty good,” he admitted.

At that moment, the phone buzzed again. “Your half-eaten sandwich from 1997 has been delivered.”

Oscar grinned. “You know what? Maybe this thing ain’t so bad after all.”

And from that day forward, Oscar the Grouch became the world’s grumpiest influencer, posting daily updates about rotten lettuce, noisy traffic, and why he still hated everything—except, maybe, express garbage delivery.

CALL MY MANAGER KANE @ 604-562-6452