Why I Am Evil

Bert’s Vietnam Flashbacks

(Scene opens with Bert sitting on a rusty folding chair, staring off into the distance, a half-smoked cigarette between his fingers. Ernie watches from the doorway, concerned.)

Bert: (voice low, almost a whisper)
“You ever hear the sound of an M60 rattling in the jungle, Ernie? It’s like thunder and death rolled into one… and you pray to whatever god you got that it ain’t your ticket home.”

(Cue flashback: A young, battle-worn Bert in a mud-soaked helmet grips an M16, ducking behind a sandbag bunker. Explosions light up the night, shadows of Viet Cong soldiers moving through the trees.)

Bert (voiceover):
“I was just a kid… a grunt in the 1st Cav. They sent me in with a bunch of other wide-eyed recruits, barely outta Sesame Street. We thought it was all gonna be honor and glory. We were wrong.”

(Flashback shifts: Bert and his unit march through the rice paddies, their boots sinking in deep. A buddy nudges him—Private Grover, young and scared.)

Grover:
“Ohhh, Bert, I do not like this, nope nope nope!”

Bert:
“Keep your head down, Grover. Just keep moving.”

(A sudden burst of gunfire. Grover drops. Bert freezes for a second—then drags his friend behind cover, shaking him, but the light in Grover’s eyes is gone.)

(Back in the present, Bert exhales, his hands trembling. Ernie steps closer, unsure what to say.)

Ernie:
“Bert… you never told me.”

Bert:
“Some things you don’t talk about, Ernie. Some things you just live with.”

(A long silence. Bert stares into the distance again as the echoes of war fade. Outside, the sound of children laughing fills the air. Bert closes his eyes, gripping his knees, caught somewhere between the past and the present.)

Why I’m Such a GROUCH

Oscar the Grouch finally opens up, his usual gruffness masking a deep sorrow. Sitting in his trash can, he sighs, then mutters, “You wanna know why I’m such a grouch? Why I hate everything? Fine. I’ll tell ya.”

His voice turns somber. “I had brothers, you know. Good guys. They didn’t live in trash cans. They had homes, dreams, plans. Then came Vietnam. The draft took ‘em, one by one. Tommy, Jimmy, Big Al. They left Sesame Street believing in something bigger than themselves. Only one came back, and he wasn’t the same.”

Oscar stares off, lost in memories. “Tommy used to whistle all the time. Could play any tune. Jimmy—he could fix anything. And Big Al, he had the biggest heart of us all. We were kids, playing stickball, laughing. Then the war turned ‘em into names on a black wall in D.C.”

He clenches his fists. “They fought for a country that forgot ‘em. People moved on. But I didn’t. I can’t. The world kept spinning like they never mattered, like their lives were just footnotes. So yeah, I live in the trash. Yeah, I push people away. But maybe I don’t wanna forget. Maybe being a grouch is my way of remembering.”

For a moment, Oscar is quiet. Then, with a grunt, he shakes it off. “Eh, enough of this sappy junk. Get outta here before I start getting all sentimental!” He retreats into his can, but for the first time, the lid doesn’t slam shut right away.

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