Oscar the Grouch Endorses Donald Grump for President
It was a smelly, glorious day on Sesame Street. The sun was shining, birds were singing, and Big Bird was helping Elmo learn his ABCs. But just outside Hooper’s Store, a different kind of lesson was unfolding—political chaos.
Oscar the Grouch popped out of his trash can, waving a tattered, mustard-stained banner that read: “MAKE SESAME STREET GROSS AGAIN!”
“Alright, you bozos, listen up!” Oscar grumbled. “I’m tired of all this niceness! Sharing? Bleh! Helping others? Yuck! We need someone who understands what it means to be truly rotten! That’s why I’m officially endorsing DONALD GRUMP for President!”
A hush fell over Sesame Street. Bert dropped his bottle of pigeon feed. Cookie Monster paused mid-bite. Even Count von Count stopped counting for a second.
Donald Grump, the infamous, orange-furred, trash-loving billionaire, waddled onto the scene. His hair, which looked suspiciously like a shredded mop dipped in nacho cheese, flapped wildly in the wind. He adjusted his oversized tie, which was way too long for his stubby Muppet frame.
“That’s right, folks,” Donald Grump said, puffing out his fuzzy chest. “I’m running for President of Sesame Street. And when I win—because I always win—I’m gonna fix this dump. First, we’re getting rid of all these silly ‘learning’ programs. TOO MUCH READING! We’ll replace ‘The Letter of the Day’ with ‘The Best Letter, the Only Letter: G—for GRUMP!'”
Elmo gasped. “But Mr. Grump, Elmo loves the alphabet!”
“Sad!” Grump scoffed. “Elmo, you’re too red! We need more orange representation!”
“But what about sharing and kindness?” Big Bird asked.
“Fake news!” Grump barked. “Sharing is a scam! If you’ve got cookies, you eat all the cookies. Just ask my good friend, the Cookie Monster!”
Cookie Monster nervously stepped forward. “Uhh, me do love cookies… but me also love sharing cookies!”
“Wrong!” Grump snapped. “You love winning. If you share cookies, you’re a loser. And I don’t hire losers!”
“Uh, you don’t hire anyone, Mr. Grump,” Bert pointed out.
Grump waved his tiny Muppet hand. “Exactly! I don’t need to. I fire people! And my first act as President will be FIRING BIG BIRD!”
“WHAT?!” Big Bird nearly toppled over in shock.
“That’s right! You take up too much space! Too much kindness! I’m replacing you with a BIGGER BIRD! A GREATER BIRD! A bird that understands business!“
“But there are no birds bigger than me on Sesame Street!”
“WRONG! Have you heard of Big Pigeon? Very strong. Very tough. No one messes with Big Pigeon.”
A massive, suspiciously mafia-looking pigeon in a pinstripe suit strutted onto Sesame Street, pecking menacingly at the sidewalk.
“This neighborhood’s got new management, see?” Big Pigeon growled. “We’re buildin’ a WALL around Oscar’s trash can, keepin’ all the CLEAN people out!”
“But me like clean people!” Cookie Monster protested.
“Then you’re out, too!” Grump declared. “Unless you start eating ONLY ORANGE COOKIES! Orange is the best color. Everyone agrees. Big Bird wishes he were more orange. SAD!”
Oscar grinned. “Now we’re talkin’!” He turned to the crowd. “Who’s with me?! Let’s ruin Sesame Street!”
The Muppets murmured, looking at each other in horror. Finally, Grover stepped forward.
“Mr. Grump, with all due respect, we do not think you should be President of Sesame Street!”
“Why not?!” Grump huffed.
“Because,” Grover declared, puffing up his little blue chest, “this is a place of kindness, learning, and friendship! We do not need walls! We do not need fake orange pigeons! And we definitely do not need a President who does not believe in SHARING COOKIES!”
The crowd erupted in cheers. Big Bird hugged Cookie Monster. Elmo did a happy dance. Even Oscar groaned and muttered, “Ugh. I hate when you guys get all mushy like this.”
Donald Grump scowled. “Fine! You just lost the greatest leader you never had!” He stomped off down the street, grumbling about how much he hated numbers, letters, and cooperation.
And just like that, Sesame Street was safe again.
For now.