Scene: A slick infomercial set, complete with flashing lights and a rotating pedestal displaying a shiny Academy Award. Bert, wearing a sharp tuxedo, stands center stage with a salesman’s grin. Ernie watches from the sidelines, looking skeptical.
BERT (excitedly):
“Hello, distinguished guests and lovers of Hollywood magic! Have you ever wanted to hold an Academy Award in your very own hands? Well, now you can! I, Bert, am offering you the exclusive chance to rent an Oscar for your party, event, or even a casual Tuesday night!”
ERNIE (raising an eyebrow):
“Uh, Bert, where exactly did you get these Oscars?”
BERT (ignoring him, gesturing grandly):
“Picture it! You walk into your next party, clutching this solid gold statuette, and everyone gasps—‘Wow, did you win Best Actor? Best Director? Best Key Grip?’ You nod humbly and say, ‘Oh, you know, just another day in Hollywood!’”
ERNIE (folding arms):
“Isn’t that… I dunno… dishonest?”
BERT (waving it off):
“Nonsense, Ernie! It’s called Hollywood magic! Why spend years making movies when you can rent instant prestige?”
(Cut to a montage of different people posing with the Oscar at parties: a guy making an emotional acceptance speech, a woman using it as a microphone, a toddler gnawing on it.)
BERT (voiceover):
“Perfect for weddings, birthdays, job interviews! Show your ex you finally made it! Impress your boss! Intimidate your enemies! With an Oscar in your hands, everything you say sounds important!“
(Back to Bert and Ernie. Bert holds up a fine-print contract.)
BERT:
“For just $49.99 a day, you get the full Academy Experience™! PLUS, for a limited time, add a fake acceptance speech pre-written by Hollywood screenwriters for just $49 more!”
ERNIE:
“Bert, this is ridiculous! Who would actually—”
(A knock at the door. Cookie Monster enters, clutching a suitcase of cash.)
COOKIE MONSTER:
“Me want Oscar for ‘Best Performance in Eating!’”
BERT (grinning, handing him an Oscar):
“Another satisfied customer! Call now!”
**(End scene with flashing phone number: 604-562-6452. Tiny fine print: “Oscar may be repossessed at any time. Offer not affiliated with the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences.”)