Author: Bert

Those to whom evil is done, do evil in return
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Academy Award Oscar Rental

Scene: A slick infomercial set, complete with flashing lights and a rotating pedestal displaying a shiny Academy Award. Bert, wearing a sharp tuxedo, stands center stage with a salesman’s grin. Ernie watches from the sidelines, looking skeptical.

BERT (excitedly):
“Hello, distinguished guests and lovers of Hollywood magic! Have you ever wanted to hold an Academy Award in your very own hands? Well, now you can! I, Bert, am offering you the exclusive chance to rent an Oscar for your party, event, or even a casual Tuesday night!”

ERNIE (raising an eyebrow):
“Uh, Bert, where exactly did you get these Oscars?”

BERT (ignoring him, gesturing grandly):
“Picture it! You walk into your next party, clutching this solid gold statuette, and everyone gasps—‘Wow, did you win Best Actor? Best Director? Best Key Grip?’ You nod humbly and say, ‘Oh, you know, just another day in Hollywood!’”

ERNIE (folding arms):
“Isn’t that… I dunno… dishonest?”

BERT (waving it off):
“Nonsense, Ernie! It’s called Hollywood magic! Why spend years making movies when you can rent instant prestige?”

(Cut to a montage of different people posing with the Oscar at parties: a guy making an emotional acceptance speech, a woman using it as a microphone, a toddler gnawing on it.)

BERT (voiceover):
“Perfect for weddings, birthdays, job interviews! Show your ex you finally made it! Impress your boss! Intimidate your enemies! With an Oscar in your hands, everything you say sounds important!“

(Back to Bert and Ernie. Bert holds up a fine-print contract.)

BERT:
“For just $49.99 a day, you get the full Academy Experience™! PLUS, for a limited time, add a fake acceptance speech pre-written by Hollywood screenwriters for just $49 more!”

ERNIE:
“Bert, this is ridiculous! Who would actually—”

(A knock at the door. Cookie Monster enters, clutching a suitcase of cash.)

COOKIE MONSTER:
“Me want Oscar for ‘Best Performance in Eating!’”

BERT (grinning, handing him an Oscar):
“Another satisfied customer! Call now!”

**(End scene with flashing phone number: 604-562-6452. Tiny fine print: “Oscar may be repossessed at any time. Offer not affiliated with the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences.”)

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Aesop’s Fables

Bert’s Hard Sell on a Puppet Stage Rental

(Bert stands in front of a sleek, professional-looking puppet stage, adjusting his tie. He claps his hands together and looks straight into the camera with a salesman’s intensity.)

Bert:
“Alright, listen up, folks! I don’t have time for nonsense, and neither do you, so let’s cut to the chase. You need a puppet stage? We got a puppet stage! And not just any rinky-dink, flimsy cardboard setup—NO! This is a premium, top-of-the-line, professional-grade puppet performance platform!

Got a birthday party? Boom! Instant entertainment. School play? Bam! Standing ovation guaranteed. Need a distraction for your rowdy kids? Poof! Problem solved!

This baby is sturdy, collapsible, and easy to transport. Set it up in minutes—no tools, no headaches, just pure puppet magic. And let’s talk features:

  • Velvet curtains? You betcha! Adds that fancy Broadway touch!
  • Hidden compartments? Perfect for quick puppet swaps—seamless performance, no awkward pauses!
  • Adjustable height? So whether you’re a four-year-old or a full-grown adult with dreams of stardom, this stage works for you!

And for a limited time only, we’re throwing in free stage lighting—because nothing ruins a great show like bad lighting!

So don’t waste time! Call Laugh Rentals NOW and secure your puppet stage before someone else does. Supplies are limited, and trust me—you don’t wanna be the only sad sap at the party without a stage!

I’m Bert. I believe in quality. And I never oversell. Rent the puppet stage. Now.“

Laugh Rentals – Because Every Great Show Needs a Great Stage!

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Why I Am Evil

Bert’s Vietnam Flashbacks

(Scene opens with Bert sitting on a rusty folding chair, staring off into the distance, a half-smoked cigarette between his fingers. Ernie watches from the doorway, concerned.)

Bert: (voice low, almost a whisper)
“You ever hear the sound of an M60 rattling in the jungle, Ernie? It’s like thunder and death rolled into one… and you pray to whatever god you got that it ain’t your ticket home.”

(Cue flashback: A young, battle-worn Bert in a mud-soaked helmet grips an M16, ducking behind a sandbag bunker. Explosions light up the night, shadows of Viet Cong soldiers moving through the trees.)

Bert (voiceover):
“I was just a kid… a grunt in the 1st Cav. They sent me in with a bunch of other wide-eyed recruits, barely outta Sesame Street. We thought it was all gonna be honor and glory. We were wrong.”

(Flashback shifts: Bert and his unit march through the rice paddies, their boots sinking in deep. A buddy nudges him—Private Grover, young and scared.)

Grover:
“Ohhh, Bert, I do not like this, nope nope nope!”

Bert:
“Keep your head down, Grover. Just keep moving.”

(A sudden burst of gunfire. Grover drops. Bert freezes for a second—then drags his friend behind cover, shaking him, but the light in Grover’s eyes is gone.)

(Back in the present, Bert exhales, his hands trembling. Ernie steps closer, unsure what to say.)

Ernie:
“Bert… you never told me.”

Bert:
“Some things you don’t talk about, Ernie. Some things you just live with.”

(A long silence. Bert stares into the distance again as the echoes of war fade. Outside, the sound of children laughing fills the air. Bert closes his eyes, gripping his knees, caught somewhere between the past and the present.)